Answering Your Child's Questions About Boys' and Girls' Bodies

Bath time, two kids in the tub. Your three-year-old points at her baby brother and asks, loud and cheerful, “Why does Leo have that and I don’t?” You feel your face go warm and hear yourself say, “Ask Daddy.”

Every family has a version of this moment: a question in the bathtub, a remark at the swimming pool, a curious look at a diaper change. It’s completely normal, and a few calm sentences, ready ahead of time, make it easy.

In one minute

• Curiosity about bodies is typical from about age 2, and questions peak around 3 to 5. Between 5 and 8, many children become more modest and want privacy.
• Your calm voice teaches more than the facts. Children aren’t embarrassed about bodies until they sense that we are.
• Use the real words, keep answers short and honest, then stop. Pair body talk with privacy rules.

What’s going on

Young children notice differences and ask about them the same way they ask why the sky is blue. Some typical behavior surprises parents too: preschoolers often touch their own private parts when bored, tired or in the bath, and same-age friends sometimes “play doctor.” This is usually curiosity, and a calm privacy rule is the answer.

Pediatricians recommend teaching children the correct names for their body parts. Children who know the right words can tell a doctor or a parent clearly if something hurts, or if someone touched them in a way that wasn’t okay. Nicknames make that harder.

Try today

1. Practice the words yourself first. Say them out loud, alone, until they sound ordinary. Then name body parts at bath time, head to toes, private parts included, in the same voice as elbow or knee.
2. Answer the question that was asked. “Why does Leo have that?” can be answered with: “Boys and men have a penis and testicles. Girls and women have a vulva and a vagina. That’s how bodies are made.” (The vulva is the outside part; the vagina is inside.) Then wait. Often that’s enough. If they ask more, add one true sentence.
3. Make privacy a family rule. “In our family we knock before opening a closed door. Private parts are the parts your swimsuit covers. Nobody should touch them or ask to see them, except to keep you clean or healthy, like a doctor with me there. We don’t keep secrets about bodies. You can ask me anything, and if I’m not there, tell another grown-up you trust.” If your child touches their private parts in front of others, calmly say: “That’s a private thing, for your own room.”

What to say

When a question comes at a surprising moment:

“That’s a great question. Let’s talk about it at home.”

(And then remember to actually talk about it at home.)

When your child seems embarrassed:

“It’s normal to feel a little shy about this. You can always ask me. There are no silly questions about bodies.”

The hardest version, if your child tells you someone touched them:

“Thank you for telling me. You did the right thing, and it’s not your fault. I’m going to help.”

What to avoid

• Laughing, scolding or looking shocked. Children read our faces and learn that the topic is shameful.
• Long lectures. A three-year-old needs one sentence, not a biology lesson.
• “You’ll understand when you’re older.” It teaches children to look for answers somewhere else.
• Only cute nicknames. Family words are fine, but make sure your child also knows the real ones, and that every caregiver uses them.

When to get help

Most body curiosity is healthy. Talk to your pediatrician if sexual behavior happens often, doesn’t stop when you calmly redirect it, involves force or a much older or younger child, or imitates adult sexual acts. Also call if your child shows sexual knowledge far beyond their age, suddenly seems afraid or secretive about their body, has pain, redness or bleeding in the private area, or describes touch that worries you.

If your child tells you about touch that wasn’t okay, stay calm, believe them, and don’t press for details. Contact child protective services or the police. In the US, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-422-4453) can guide you. Doctors and child psychologists are used to these questions.

Read together

In Men and Women, Whyia’s dad spills coffee on his clothes and comes home to change. Whyia, looking for her doll, opens her parents’ bedroom door without knocking and sees him changing. Confused, but too embarrassed to ask her mom, she runs outside and turns into a dog. A friendly dog takes her to the doctor’s dog, who draws pictures in the sand and explains the differences between men’s and women’s bodies using the real words. He adds that men are often taller, but not always, and that everyone is different. It’s normal to feel embarrassed, he says, and she should keep learning about her body and ask questions. Later, Whyia sees the neighbor changing her newborn’s diaper and is proud that she can tell it’s a baby boy.

The book does the hard part for you: it says the words out loud. (It says vagina; you can add that the outside part is the vulva.) Let your child’s questions lead the talk afterwards, then agree on your family’s knocking rule and practice it once.