Imaginary Friends: Why Kids Have Them and How to Respond

At dinner your four-year-old son asks you to set a place for Bop. Bop is purple, lives under the stairs, is afraid of the vacuum cleaner and, apparently, also wants pasta. Last week Bop was blamed for a spilled cup of milk.

For most children, an imaginary friend is a normal, clever part of growing up, and responding well is simple.

In one minute

• Common and healthy. Imaginary friends often appear between about 3 and 5. Studies suggest that by age 7, many children, by some estimates around two in three, have had one, counting toys with a name and a personality.
• Imagination at work. They help children practice language, feelings and friendship, and sometimes cope with fears or big changes.
• Play along warmly, keep the real rules. Say hello to the friend, and still expect your child to clean up real mess.

What’s going on

Between about 3 and 7, pretend play is at its peak. Children rehearse conversations and work through feelings by acting them out. An imaginary friend can be a person, an animal, a creature or a toy that talks, and it can be brave, naughty, scared or wise, often in the very ways your child is learning to be.

It’s not a sign of loneliness: studies suggest children who have one are often sociable and talkative. Most know their friend is pretend, even when they insist otherwise mid-game.

The friend is also a window. When Bop is scared of the vacuum, your son may be telling you about his own fear, safely. When Bop spilled the milk, he may be dodging the embarrassment of a mistake: very normal at 4, not lying in the grown-up sense. Many imaginary friends fade in the early school years; some stay longer, and that’s usually fine too.

Try today

1. Be curious. In a calm moment, ask: “What does Bop like to do? Is Bop scared of anything?” You’ll often hear your child’s own worries.
2. Play along lightly, with limits decided ahead. “Hello, Bop” or an extra spoon is fine. Let your child lead; you don’t need to make the friend bigger than they do. Decide now which rules don’t bend: Bop doesn’t decide bedtime, and at a busy restaurant Bop rides in a pocket.
3. Keep real responsibility real. If milk is spilled, cleaning up is your child’s job, with or without Bop’s help. Use “when… then”: “When the milk is wiped up, then we’ll finish dinner.” Then name what went well: “You cleaned it up yourself. That was responsible.”

If it gets worse at first. If blaming Bop used to work, expect Bop to be “very naughty” for a few days. Keep the same calm answer, and it usually fades.

The same answer from every adult. Tell grandparents and sitters: greet Bop, don’t tease or argue about whether Bop is real, and Bop never takes the blame.

What to say

In the moment, when the friend gets the blame:

“Maybe Bop was there, but you’re the one with the cloth. Let’s clean it up together. You can say: oops, I spilled it.”

Afterwards, when the friend seems scared:

“Bop sounds worried about the vacuum. Loud noises can feel scary. What could help Bop feel safe?”

The hardest version, when the friend says no:

“Bop doesn’t want a bath? I hear you. Bop doesn’t decide about baths. Bop can watch from the shelf. You can say: come on, Bop, bath time.”

What to avoid

• Making fun of the friend, or of your child. They may stop sharing their imagination, and their worries, with you.
• Insisting it’s not real. Your child usually knows. Arguing doesn’t help.
• Taking over the story. It’s your child’s world; you’re a guest.
• Letting the friend run the house. Bop doesn’t decide bedtime.

When to get help

Talk to your pediatrician or a child psychologist if the friend frightens your child or tells them to do dangerous things, if your child can’t tell pretend from real in everyday life, if they show no interest in real children at all by school age, or if mood, sleep or play change a lot for more than a couple of weeks. After a loss or a scary event, a new friend can be a healthy way to cope; ask for support if your child seems stuck in sadness or fear. And if your child, through the friend, tells you about being hurt or a secret with an adult, listen calmly, thank them and call your pediatrician.

Read together

Pets at Home begins with two big wishes: Whyia’s friend Tom wants to keep an elephant at home, and Phoebe would love a pony, but there isn’t enough room. Whyia sees a man riding a horse, turns into a pony and asks the horse why it doesn’t live with people. The horse explains that pets aren’t toys: they’re alive, and they need space, food, walks and care, even on rainy days. Then Whyia’s cousin Ethan arrives with Luna, the doctor’s dog, and the friends see how much a dog needs to run.

Children often care for imaginary friends the way they’d care for a pet: feeding them, talking to them, tucking them in. After reading, ask your child what their imaginary friend, or an imaginary pet, needs to be happy, and draw its home together.